Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you told grandpa to call you daddy
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
