I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
