Im at strip club and am horny
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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