When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
