It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
