You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
