My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
