Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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