When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
