my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
