Already got asked if we're dating
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
