Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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