ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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