Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
