My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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