i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
