So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
