Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
