drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
