my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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