Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
