The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
