apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
