Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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