I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
