Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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