trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
