at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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