Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
