i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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