I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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