**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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