Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i out mim tonsoeep
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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