I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
now i know why i became what i already was.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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