i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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