no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
