Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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