So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
