I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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