I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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