Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
