Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Also, beer. Big fan.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
