Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
