The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
