I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
