Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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