I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
