When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We need to feng shui this bitch.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
