there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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