i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
