How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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