so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
