i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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