I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
